Agnew's Mind He's got a long journey ahead of him.

Bad Movies……..even in HD

    by Mike Agnew Jr.

I recently stumbled upon a reservoir of HD movies someone uploaded.  Since most of the movies were in 1080P, I could not resist downloading and watching them.  I was instantly made aware that a pretty picture will not always cover up a horrible story.

Taking of Pelham 123

This movie was doomed from the start.  John Travolta as a bad guy... it's Swordfish all over again.  In fact, this movie should have been called Swordfish 2: Underground Train.  Travolta is back in all his go-tee glory with a bland seen-it-before storyline.  If there is any saving grace, its Denzel Washington.  He's back with his explain-it-to-me-like-I'm-a-5-year-old attitude.  He plays a transportation coordinator in charge of New York's Subways.  He comes to work one morning and, low and behold, one of his subway cars is, well, taken.  The hijacking occurs in the first five minutes but you will probably miss it because you will be in the bathroom throwing up due to the sporadic editing of the opening title shots.  Random zooms and speedy panning shots of New York get thrown at you like postcards taped to baseballs.  Once you have recovered, all that's left is the same old, same old:  hostage situation, money is demanded, but (just like swordfish) there is a stupid twist that has something to do with the stock market.  This movie begs to be be intelligent but, between Travolta dropping f-bombs to get street cred and crowbarring Tony Soprano as the Mayor of NY, you instantly stop caring.  This movie also makes NYC cops look like idiots.  On the way to deliver Travolta's ransom money, more cops and citizens die than are on the train in the first place.  One cop rides his motorcycle into a parked car.  All in all, nothing happens in this movie.  If you still want to watch this movie make sure to watch Swordfish first.  I would give this movie a C- but since it has Denzel, I'm going to bump it up a little bit. Rating: C+.

Orphan

Oh, Dear God.  Well, you should already know what you are getting in this movie.  Creepy little girl gets adopted by a normal family and then things start going wrong and it turns out she is a demon or something.  You are partially right except for two things:  1.  The family is not normal.  They live in Conneticut where everyone is apparently depressed all the time.  By the end you want them to all die anyway.  2.  The girl is not a demon but something equally as stupid.  In the end, this is one of those movies that amps up the flute-a-phones so that every time someone turns a corner, answers their cell phone, or opens the medicine cabinet, you will think something is about to jump out at you.  The funny thing is, it only happens about 1 out of every 5 times.  So, at some point you will jump because they have cried wolf so often.  Is it scary... yes but only in the way of someone screaming in your ear.  You get what you expect. Rating: C.

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A Perfect Getaway

This movie is an instant hit as long as it stays where it belongs... on TNT on a Saturday afternoon while it is raining outside.  I could definitely see myself watching Drumline and seeing a notification "A Perfect Getaway" up next.  The storyline is pretty basic: 3 couples go on vacation... one of the couples is a pair of murders.  The couples come in three flavors: nerdy suburbanites, hunting southerners, and trailer trash.  Now, I won't give away which couple are the killers, but I will tell you that the movie is full of fake-outs.  Everyone has a legitimate reason to be the killer and you will not miss any of these clues because the camera will zoom up and play dramatic music every time a fake-out occurs.  Timothy Olyphant, star of Hitman, a soldier in Transformers and the bad guy in Live Free or Die Hard,  actually gave an okay performance.  This is a hard thing to admit because I hate him in all other movies.  He is right up there with the asian guy from the Hangover.  You will see this movie reinvent itself 4 different times throughout.  It almost feels like there were 4 different directors and probably 6 different endings, something I'm sure would be on the DVD.  I felt like this movie tricks the audience so many times that once you know the ending you cannot go back and watch the movie because you will wonder, "Why would they say that if no one could hear them?  Why pretend not to be the killers behind lock doors?". Rating: B-.

The Ugly Truth

You do not need to actually watch this movie.  You can just watch P.S. I Love you and 27 Dresses while eating 30 cold gorditas from the grimiest Taco Bell near you.  Then, wait an hour.  The horrible gut bomb you drop later will be The Ugly Truth. To be fair, I should not review this movie because I never finished watching it.  That's pretty rough when I can normally sit through anything that graces the screen of my television set.  From what I did watch, the story is exactly as I have described above.  You have the self-loathing Jesse Spano played by Katherine Heigl, who just so happens to have cats and hate men.  Then you have some grown up A.C. Slater played by Gerard Butler who somehow has a TV show all about bashing women and romance.  I'm sure by the end they learn something from one another.  They probably fall in love due to a borderline love/hate relationship, then something happens probably due to a mis-communication of some sort.  Then someone makes a grand gesture and they compromise. Blah blah blah.  No one should ever have to watch this repetitious drivel.
Rating: F-.